Get off the escalator

Last Updated on Wednesday, 10 January 2007 09:02 Written by Steve Wednesday, 10 January 2007 09:02

I wrote the other day about how when interacting with people, good listening can often make problem solving unnecessary. Ed Batista wrote today about some key points to making relationships work. It reminded me of another insight given to me by the Becoming Parents Program–notice and avoid escalation.

When you’re talking about your relationship with another person (spouse, coworker, anyone really), comments will be made that aren’t received as flattering. Some examples:

• You never did the thing I asked you to do
• Why do you not listen to me?
• I hate it when you do that
• You said my database was going to work by today
• You forgot to take out the garbage

You get the point. These comments may be valid–maybe I did promise to get the database done by today–or they may be misguided. Either way there are two ways to respond to comments that you perceive as challenging. You can get to the bottom of the issue and talk about it, or you can escalate.

Escalation can be thought of as the comment that starts, “Oh yeah? Well you did ______!” It is an offensive response to a perceived criticism. I didn’t get your database done? Well, you never call me back when I leave messages! So there!

Escalation does not lead to resolution. My wife and I now call each other on escalation when we see the other doing it. Just noticing it and calling it out has caused us to stop doing it most of the time. And that’s led to much more fruitful discussions, without big hairy arguments.

So notice your response when other people make comments you think are critical of you. Did you escalate? Did that help strengthen your relationship with the other person, or did it harm it? And remember, never be critical of your database guy.